Magic Markers
Friday, September 13, 2019
I wish I knew
Friday, August 30, 2019
5 months
Friday, June 28, 2019
Earrings
Friday, June 7, 2019
74 days
It’s been 74 days since my mom passed away.
74 days and, honestly, I still have trouble sometimes accepting and believing that this is real. I can go about my daily life, laugh with friends and take care of the kids. I can bring my mom up in casual conversations and talk about her with the kids daily. But sometimes, reality hits me square in the face, the awful sadness overtakes me and I just can’t stop the despair that I feel knowing that I will never – in this life – see my mom again. It’s hard for my mind and heart to accept this and yet, I have no choice. It makes me sick to my stomach, but this is life now and I have to find a way to exist without her physical presence. We have to find a way. Because that’s the thing – it wasn’t just me that lost my mom. My kids lost their Kiki and they are struggling too.
I remember the day we drove down to KY when I found out hospice had been called. The kids and I drove down on a Wednesday night and I was so nervous because I had to tell them. They knew Kiki was sick, but that was normal. She was sick, she’d get her medicine, sometimes she’d have to stay at the hospital and then she would come home. The doctors and the medicine always seemed to make Kiki ‘better’, at least in their minds. They had never – not even once – asked me what would happen if the medicine didn’t work. They would ask what the medicine was and if it hurt Kiki and they had even asked me why Kiki had to be sick. But they had never asked me if she would die. And now I had to tell them that she was. I thought a lot about what to say and how to say it. They are still so little, especially Mitch. But they understand a lot. As we drove down in the darkness, I told them that Kiki was in the hospital again, but that she would be home tomorrow. I told them that the medicine wasn’t working and that Kiki was very sick and that sometimes, when people are that sick, they just can’t get better. I told them that the doctors had tried their very best, but they couldn’t do anything else. I told them that when that happens, the sick person will go to Heaven. Evelyn immediately said “Well that would make Kiki happy because Aunt Linda is there and she really misses her”. I took a breath and said “That’s right. Kiki will get to see Aunt Linda again very soon”. There was a pause and a small gasp as Evie almost whispered “How soon?”. I don’t really remember what I said after that, but I do remember the tears. Evie and Mitch were so heartbroken as they finally comprehended what I’d just told them. Evie just kept asking “Why?” I didn’t have an answer. All I could say was that we were going to see Kiki tomorrow and give her hugs and kisses and shower her with so much love. And that’s exactly what we did.
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain.
Life’s about changing, nothing every stays the same.
And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It’s ok to hurt and it’s ok to cry.
Come, let me hold you and I will try.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
Soccer girl
Our girl finished up her Spring season of soccer on Saturday. Evelyn has been on a team with the same girls for two years now and it’s been really cool to see them learn and grow as a team. They started out in Kindergarten, not knowing much about soccer. They ran around in a pack, there were no goalies and no one even kept score. Fast forward to this season and we now have a team that knows their positions, how to dribble and pass and thrives on the competition of each game.
Evelyn has proven herself to be more athletic than her mama. HA! She is a very good defender and goalie, and she’s gaining more confidence as a forward as well. She even scored her a goal during her last game!
Pat and I are very proud of her hard work this season!
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Easter 2019
Easter this year was obviously different than in years past. We were grieving and missing our Mom/ Wife/ Kiki. And yet, in the same breath, we were all ecstatic to welcome new life into our family. Sweet Beckett came early, but his arrival was a balm to our aching hearts. Of course it was bittersweet. My mom should be here, snuggling with him and showering him with her love in person. But it was not to be and, as Shannon put it, Kiki got to snuggle with Beckett for two weeks in heaven before we welcomed him earth side. As for showering him with her love…I think that Kiki continues to do that from Heaven.
Saturday evening was spent at the Haglage’s with my dad’s side of the family. I was so happy to get to see and actually talk to everyone. I had seen most of them at the funeral, but it was a such hectic day and so completely draining and I felt like I hadn’t really gotten the chance to connect or talk to anyone. The kids had an Easter egg hunt inside and we all enjoyed a delicious dinner. Added bonus… GG got to meet her two newest great-grandbabies via Facetime!! I think seeing Macy and Beckett certainly brightened the day!!
Easter morning was filled with Easter baskets and candy. The kids woke me up EARLY because they were excited. I told them that we couldn’t got downstairs until Pops woke up. When I dozed back off, Mitch proceeded to sneak into my dad’s room and ‘gently’ wake him up. The kids found their Easter baskets and opened their treats while their daddy watched on Facetime (he had to work on Saturday so he didn’t go with us to Kentucky). Then we all got cleaned up and headed over to Uncle Denny and Aunt Laura’s for Easter brunch. As usual the food was delicious and again, I was very happy to get to see and spend time with everyone. Plus, there are a lot of kids on that side of the family and they are excellent distractors of all things so it took some of the sting out of how much we were missing Aunt Linda and my mom. It was much nicer day outside on Sunday so the kids were able to have an outdoor egg hunt. They all had fun and had major sugar buzzes after that.
After brunch, we went to the Reynold’s house where I FINALLY got to hold my new nephew. I remember the first time that I held each of my nephews and my niece. They were all at least few weeks old at the time so I was SO excited to finally meet them since I didn’t get to see them on their birthdays. I remember holding Avi and Asa and just being filled with so much love and awe, and holding Beckett was no different. He is so adorably tiny and precious! Evelyn was definitely taken with him as well. She was so excited to hold him and feed him his bottle. Evie has always had a special bond with Asa and it looks like she may have one with baby boy too. Mitch refused to hold Beckett, but he did promise to teach him about all things Lego and Pokémon. It will to be fun to watch Beckett become part of the boy pack – Mitchell-Man, Avi-Man and Beck-Man (as Pops calls them). Lookout world!
We left Shannon’s and headed back to Columbus to meet up with Pat and have dinner with Rita. After a delicious dinner, wine and more chocolate for the kids, we finally headed home to pass out from sheer exhaustion. Lol.
All it all, it was good day. It had hard moments, but there was still sunshine.
Xoxo