I wish I knew

I wish I knew how I should be feeling.  I wish I knew what I am feeling.  But I don’t.  I can’t describe it and I don’t have the words.  I’m doing the best I can do (most days anyway) to be a good mom and a good wife.  I try.  But I think it’s not enough.  I have the sense that I’m lacking in some way.  I feel so empty sometimes, like I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing or what my next step should be.  I go through the motions.  Wake up, get dressed, go to work, come home, feed the kids, go to whatever practice or appointment, put the kids to bed, have some wine, go to bed, wake up and do it all over again.  Is this what life is supposed to be?  

‘Some goodbyes start something in you, 

The kind of thing you are not meant to explain,

The kind of thing you just know you have to solve on your own’

r.m. drake

In the immediate aftermath of my moms death, I was in survival mode.  You don't really think much in that mode to be honest.  All I knew was that it hurt, but I had to be there for my kids.  As time has gone on, the thoughts that I kept at bay have come roaring back.  I find myself wondering about life and our finite time on this earth.  Nothing lasts forever and we need to make our time here matter.  We need to make it worth something.  I find myself questioning my life and my decisions.  Without a doubt, I know that my family is the most important thing to me.  My husband and children, my dad, my siblings, my in-laws, my very best friends.  They matter and make life mean something.  But beyond that... I’m not sure.  I find myself questioning what’s important and what I want. I can’t even explain what I mean exactly.  It’s just this persist perception that I have that I need to do more, to be more more.

Sorry for the rambling.  I’ll leave you with a picture...,

‘

5 months

It’s been just over 5 months since we’ve lost my mom.  People still occasionally ask if I’m doing ok, and to be honest, I’m not sure how to answer.  I’m getting by and the kids are slowly adjusting to this new reality.  We had a busy summer and we spent lots of time with family and friends.  I’m doing the best that I can to make sure that my kids are happy and healthy.  And they really are doing great!  Evelyn is loving second grade and is really becoming my little bookworm.  Mitch is doing great in school too and he just started his first season of soccer.  He’s loving it!  They drive me nutty, but they make me laugh and give me hope.  There are days where I’m not sure what I’d do without them.  But there are also days where I wish I could just curl up under the bed covers and not be in parent-mode.  

These days I feel like life just doesn’t make sense and I feel lost.  I go through the motions everyday, but it’s hazy and muted somehow. I don’t know what to do to make it better so I just push through.  I try to be a good mom, but I’m sure I’m lacking there too.  It doesn’t help that Pat is working so much. Don’t get me wrong... I’m so proud of him!  The restaurant is doing amazing and it’s incredible to watch his dream come true.  But it’s hard too because he’s exhausted and I’m exhausted and there isn’t a whole lot that we can do to change that right now.  This is our life at the moment.  It could be worse.  I know it could be.  But it’s still hard sometimes.

I miss my mom.  I miss our talks.  I miss her encouragement and her love.  I want her to be here to tell me that everything will be ok.  But she’s not and I’m struggling.  

Here’s pic from the first day of school...  these kiddos.... ❤️❤️❤️

Earrings

So this happened....

’

Our sweet girl got her ears pierced!  She’s getting so big and she was so excited to finally do this.  She’s been asking for awhile and we thought she was finally ready.  She been FANTASTIC about taking care of her ears and cleaning them three times a day.  

I remember when I first got my ears pierced.  My mom took me and insisted that I have both ears done at once.  She said that if I’d done one at a time, I’d only have one ear piereced.  Lol!  She was no doubtedly correct.  That memory was playing in my mind when we took Evelyn.  I didn’t make the same request... at first.  Evelyn is braver and stronger than me. This child gotten several flu shots without flinching because I told her we needed to do it for Kiki.  To keep help keep Kiki healthy. Perspective ~ I was shot-phobic for years to the point where my mom made my dad take me to get them because I’d freak out so much.  When I told Evie the shot was for Kiki, she’d shut her eyes, hold out her arm and that was it.  She did it.  With this in mind, I wanted to give her a chance outside of my own experiences.  But then she looked at me and she looked scared.  I told her that she didn’t need to have her ears pierced, but she insisted.  And, when the tech said she could get another person to pierce her ears at the same time, I jumped on it and said yes.  It was the right decision.  100%.  Evie said it barely hurt and has told people it was because they did her ears at the same time.  She loves her birthstone earrings.  💕 

74 days

It’s been 74 days since my mom passed away.

74 days and, honestly, I still have trouble sometimes accepting and believing that this is real.  I can go about my daily life, laugh with friends and take care of the kids.  I can bring my mom up in casual conversations and talk about her with the kids daily.  But sometimes, reality hits me square in the face, the awful sadness overtakes me and I just can’t stop the despair that I feel knowing that I will never – in this life – see my mom again.  It’s hard for my mind and heart to accept this and yet, I have no choice.  It makes me sick to my stomach, but this is life now and I have to find a way to exist without her physical presence.  We have to find a way.  Because that’s the thing – it wasn’t just me that lost my mom.  My kids lost their Kiki and they are struggling too.

I remember the day we drove down to KY when I found out hospice had been called.  The kids and I drove down on a Wednesday night and I was so nervous because I had to tell them.  They knew Kiki was sick, but that was normal.  She was sick, she’d get her medicine, sometimes she’d have to stay at the hospital and then she would come home.  The doctors and the medicine always seemed to make Kiki ‘better’, at least in their minds.  They had never – not even once – asked me what would happen if the medicine didn’t work.  They would ask what the medicine was and if it hurt Kiki and they had even asked me why Kiki had to be sick.  But they had never asked me if she would die.  And now I had to tell them that she was.  I thought a lot about what to say and how to say it.  They are still so little, especially Mitch.  But they understand a lot.  As we drove down in the darkness, I told them that Kiki was in the hospital again, but that she would be home tomorrow.  I told them that the medicine wasn’t working and that Kiki was very sick and that sometimes, when people are that sick, they just can’t get better.  I told them that the doctors had tried their very best, but they couldn’t do anything else.  I told them that when that happens, the sick person will go to Heaven.  Evelyn immediately said “Well that would make Kiki happy because Aunt Linda is there and she really misses her”.  I took a breath and said “That’s right. Kiki will get to see Aunt Linda again very soon”.  There was a pause and a small gasp as Evie almost whispered “How soon?”.  I don’t really remember what I said after that, but I do remember the tears.  Evie and Mitch were so heartbroken as they finally comprehended what I’d just told them.  Evie just kept asking “Why?”  I didn’t have an answer.  All I could say was that we were going to see Kiki tomorrow and give her hugs and kisses and shower her with so much love.  And that’s exactly what we did.

Time has passed since that moment, but I still think about that conversation.  I wonder if I handled it correctly and I wonder if I’m handling things the right way now.  The kids miss Kiki so much.  Especially Evie.  I ended up contacting a counselor for her because I can see that she is struggling.  She’s acting out and breaking down over tiny things and losing her temper daily.  She’s so much like me.  High emotions bring about high anxiety which results in acting in sometimes unreasonable ways.  I’m doing my best to be a good mom, but it’s hard to be calm and reasonable when I’m struggling too.  I’m hoping that the counselor will give Evelyn some guidance and help her deal with all of the feelings of loss and heartbreak that she is experiencing and also help me find better ways to parent the kids through this.

This is hard.  Grief is hard.  There is a country song by Patty Loveless that I heard years ago and a verse in it resonates with me in this situation. 

Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain.

Life’s about changing, nothing every stays the same.

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?

It’s ok to hurt and it’s ok to cry.

Come, let me hold you and I will try.

How can I help you to say goodbye?

Life in pictures

Soccer girl

Our girl finished up her Spring season of soccer on Saturday.  Evelyn has been on a team with the same girls for two years now and it’s been really cool to see them learn and grow as a team.  They started out in Kindergarten, not knowing much about soccer.  They ran around in a pack, there were no goalies and no one even kept score.  Fast forward to this season and we now have a team that knows their positions, how to dribble and pass and thrives on the competition of each game.  

Evelyn has proven herself to be more athletic than her mama. HA!  She is a very good defender and goalie, and she’s gaining more confidence as a forward as well.  She even scored her a goal during her last game!

Pat and I are very proud of her hard work this season!

Easter 2019

Easter this year was obviously different than in years past. We were grieving and missing our Mom/ Wife/ Kiki.  And yet, in the same breath, we were all ecstatic to welcome new life into our family.  Sweet Beckett came early, but his arrival was a balm to our aching hearts.  Of course it was bittersweet.  My mom should be here, snuggling with him and showering him with her love in person.  But it was not to be and, as Shannon put it, Kiki got to snuggle with Beckett for two weeks in heaven before we welcomed him earth side.  As for showering him with her love…I think that Kiki continues to do that from Heaven.

Walking into my parents house on the Friday before Easter as hard.  I didn’t expect the emotions that welled up inside.  I had been at the house since she’d passed away, but not since the funeral.  It was different this time.  It felt more real, more final.  Even the kids seemed to feel the difference.  They were quieter and more subdued…at least at first.  The house was filled the flowers and plants from the funeral and it just feel colder somehow.  I remember thinking the same thing the first time that I walked into the Klare’s house after Aunt Linda died.  My sweet dad tried hard to make it easier for the kids.  He got donuts on Saturday morning and pretty much played whatever games the kids asked.  He also watched the kids for me so that I could go the hospital and finally meet my newest nephew.  He is so sweet and is totally giving me baby fever!!

 Saturday evening was spent at the Haglage’s with my dad’s side of the family.  I was so happy to get to see and actually talk to everyone.  I had seen most of them at the funeral, but it was a such hectic day and so completely draining and I felt like I hadn’t really gotten the chance to connect or talk to anyone.  The kids had an Easter egg hunt inside and we all enjoyed a delicious dinner.  Added bonus… GG got to meet her two newest great-grandbabies via Facetime!! I think seeing Macy and Beckett certainly brightened the day!!

Easter morning was filled with Easter baskets and candy.  The kids woke me up EARLY because they were excited.  I told them that we couldn’t got downstairs until Pops woke up.  When I dozed back off, Mitch proceeded to sneak into my dad’s room and ‘gently’ wake him up.  The kids found their Easter baskets and opened their treats while their daddy watched on Facetime (he had to work on Saturday so he didn’t go with us to Kentucky).  Then we all got cleaned up and headed over to Uncle Denny and Aunt Laura’s for Easter brunch.  As usual the food was delicious and again, I was very happy to get to see and spend time with everyone.  Plus, there are a lot of kids on that side of the family and they are excellent distractors of all things so it took some of the sting out of how much we were missing Aunt Linda and my mom.  It was much nicer day outside on Sunday so the kids were able to have an outdoor egg hunt.  They all had fun and had major sugar buzzes after that.

After brunch, we went to the Reynold’s house where I FINALLY got to hold my new nephew.  I remember the first time that I held each of my nephews and my niece.  They were all at least few weeks old at the time so I was SO excited to finally meet them since I didn’t get to see them on their birthdays.  I remember holding Avi and Asa and just being filled with so much love and awe, and holding Beckett was no different.  He is so adorably tiny and precious!  Evelyn was definitely taken with him as well.  She was so excited to hold him and feed him his bottle.  Evie has always had a special bond with Asa and it looks like she may have one with baby boy too.  Mitch refused to hold Beckett, but he did promise to teach him about all things Lego and Pokémon.  It will to be fun to watch Beckett become part of the boy pack – Mitchell-Man, Avi-Man and Beck-Man (as Pops calls them).  Lookout world!

We left Shannon’s and headed back to Columbus to meet up with Pat and have dinner with Rita.  After a delicious dinner, wine and more chocolate for the kids, we finally headed home to pass out from sheer exhaustion.  Lol.

All it all, it was good day.  It had hard moments, but there was still sunshine.

Xoxo

Days go by

People have been telling me that the “firsts” will be the hardest.  The first holiday without her.  The first time something happens and you want to share it with her, but realize that you can’t.  The first time you forget and pick up the phone to call her, only to realize that she will never answer.  In a lot of ways, people are right.  These ‘firsts’ are hard.  For me, however, what is even more excruciating are the ‘seconds’, ‘thirds’, ‘fourths”.   It’s the reminder that this is forever and that she isn’t coming back.  It’s the endless days without her.

We’ve been talking about possibly taking a trip this summer.  Holly suggested a lake house in Michigan and my first thought was “Mom would love that!”  It makes me angry that we aren’t able to take that trip with her and I find myself not even wanting to go because she can’t be there with us in person.  I know that’s dumb.  I have to constantly remind myself that it is ok to live and be happy.  Being miserable won’t change what happened and she wouldn’t want that.  The lake house would be fun for everyone.  It would give us all a chance to unwind and relax.

I told my Dad on Easter Sunday that, although the day was hard and we missed her, we did ok.  We make it through and the day was filled with sunshine, laughter and happy times.  I told him that she didn’t fight for three years to sit around and be unhappy.  She fought for us, for friends, for family.  She fought for the simple, happy times and she did her best to give us those times even when she wasn’t feeling well.  On the Friday before she died, we all gathered around the kitchen table to play Chase the Ace.  It’s a simple card game and family favorite.  We thought she should rest, but she was insistent that she wanted to play so we did.  Me, my dad, Aunt Debbie, Shannon, Evie, Mitch and my mom.  We laughed so much and had a lot of fun.  I took a few pictures that night and while I was looking at them a few days ago, I came across a video that I didn’t mean to make.  My phone must have been face down on the table so it’s pitch black, but you can hear our voices.  I heard her voice and her laugh and the breath caught in my throat.  The sense of missing her was overwhelming.  But I was also filled with a sense of gratefulness that we had that moment and that time.  I played Chase the Ace with the kids for the first time since she died a week or so ago.  We were having fun, but I couldn’t seem to help the tears that came.  My sweet Evie got up from her chair and wrapped her arms around me and told me that she missed Kiki too.  We cried together for a second and then we heard a voice from across the table say “Umm HELLO!  We’re playing a game here!”  Leave it to Mitch to break up the moment. Evie and I cracked up and we finished our game. 

I think Dr. Seuss said it best when he said “Don’t cry because it’s over.  Smile because it happened”.

Xoxo

Random thoughts for today

I think we’ve been doing ok…mostly.  Life is busy.  We’ve got speech appointments, soccer practices and swim lessons.  School is still going full swing for three more weeks so we still have math homework and reading practice for Evelyn.  We’re working on getting the yard in shape (when it’s not pouring down rain) and we are trying to find a company or person to replace our fence.  There is work and laundry and cleaning – the usual stuff.  Pat is still working his booty off at Alqueria.  I’d say he averages at least 70 hours a week.  He and Jacob are still figuring out how to balance everything, but Pat did get two evenings off this week which was really nice.  He was able to see Mitchell’s swim lessons, spend some time with the kids and enjoy a family dinner.

We definitely keep busy and that helps.  It feels strange not to have this constant worry filling over my head.  I know that my mom is ok now.  I believe that wholeheartedly.  And if I forget, the kids are quick to remind me.  They say things like “It’s ok Mama.  Kiki’s is in Heaven with Aunt Linda.  She’s our angel”.  During a thunderstorm recently, Evelyn told me very matter-of-factly that the angels and Kiki were up in Heaven bowling and having fun.  I remember my mom telling me that when I was little and afraid during storms.  I can remember being little and knowing a storm was on it’s way.  The sky was dark, thunder rumbled and lightening lit the sky in bursts.  We sat, snuggled up with our mom, and she taught us how to time how long it would take the storm to get to us.  After we would see a flash of lightening, we would count the number of seconds until we heard thunder.  We would say “Bologna, Bologna, Salami, Salami”.  I have no idea why we said those words!  Lol.  For every 5 seconds / words, the storm is about one mile away (or something like that).  I’m sure we didn’t time it great, but it took our minds off of being scared.  When the thunder would rumble, she tell us the angels were bowling.  At the time, I think she told us that Grandpa Mitchell was up in heaven having a lot of fun.  Memories like that remind me that she will NEVER be forgotten.  The lessons she taught us and the love that she gave to us is still very much a part of us, and we are passing them on to our children.  

I miss her terribly each and every day.  It can be hard not to let the sadness get to me sometimes.  Some days, I just have to let the tears come.  But usually, when that happens, there will be a sign that she’s there will me.  I was taking a walk during my lunch break the other day and the loss of her just hit me so hard.  I take walks during my lunchbreaks most days and I used to call her to chat and see how she was feeling.  It hurts so much that I can’t do that anymore and as I walked along, tears blurred my vision.  I hadn’t gone very far when I felt a gust of wind and heard a wind chime tinkle in the distance.  I looked up and saw a cardinal perched on a tree branch, watching me.  I don’t know if it was her, but I took a breath and tried to let peace into my heart and remind myself that while I miss her, she’s with me always. 

xoxo

Swim Lessons

The boy finally started swim lessons yesterday.  We tried lessons two years ago with dismal results and decided to wait until Mitch was more comfortable.  Well two years later and he was still insisting that he was never taking lessons – EVER.  I usually let him take the lead on stuff because I know it can be difficult for him to try new things.  But in this case, I put my foot down.  It’s a life skill buddy and you have to learn.  So I signed him up for Goldfish Swim School, bought him a new pair of Star Wars swim trucks and some neon green googles and carried him to the pool.  Literally.  He refused to walk so I had to carry him to the pool and sit him down in the water.  Luckily, he didn’t pitch a fit once he got in the water.  He seemed to do pretty well.  He was cautious and a little bit reluctant, but he tried to do whatever was asked for him.  I hope we’re doing the right thing with these lessons.  Evelyn had six private lessons before we started her at Goldfish.  But Mitch has more experience in the water than she did at this age because we’ve belonged to a pool for the past few summers.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed that his is good experience for him!

xoxo

The cruller

A co-worker of mine brought doughnuts into work today for everyone.  I was going to eat my much less delicious, but better for me breakfast of yogurt and oatmeal.  But I noticed she had gotten a cruller.  These are one of my favorites and anytime I eat one, I think of my mom. 

 For several years while I was in grade school, my mom helped plan the Grandparents Day breakfast during Catholic School Week.  I remember going with her early in the morning to pick up giant boxes of glazed, iced and sprinkled Dunkin Donuts.  We would pile the boxes into her minivan and drive everything back to Milligan Hall at St. Pius.  My doughnut of choice back then was the classic chocolate iced with rainbow sprinkles, but I remember my mom told me that she preferred the light and airy cruller.  I can’t remember why she liked them (her doughnut of choice the past several years was the caramel iced from Emerson`s), but I know that she did. 

 I haven’t thought about those days in a long time, but eating my cruller this morning brought back a whole lot of memories.  Being with my mom in the van and driving down dark and empty streets while thinking we were probably the only people awake that early in the morning.  The smell of the coffee being made.  The enormous yellow and red drink dispensers filled with McDonald’s orange Hi-C.  The laughter as my siblings and I ran around the tables in Milligan Hall and tried to sneak a doughnut when no one was looking.  My mom making sure to take care of every last detail so that everyone could enjoy coffee and doughnuts with grandparents.

 It's such a simple memory, but it makes me miss those days.  They were kind of like a cruller.  On the surface, uncomplicated and unassuming. But inside, filled with delightful sweetness.

Xoxo

It’s been awhile

I haven’t been able to blog for quite some time.  Life happened and I got overwhelmed.  Words just escaped me and I left it up to Holly to tell our story on Caring Bridge.  She found the words when I couldn’t.  I’m still not sure I have the words to explain how I feel right now.  But I’ve always loved to write so I’ll try.

I’m not going to attempt to recap the past several months.  So much has happened and I’m still processing it all.  Writing has always been my way of working through stuff so eventually I know I’ll write about my grief.  But not today.  Today I want to focus on the happy stuff.  Like my gorgeous new nephew Beckett.  I cannot wait to snuggle that precious baby boy. 🥰😍 Today I want to think about Avi and Mitch.  Those two are besties and I love it!  Although I’m pretty sure Holly isn’t crazy about some of the things Mitch is teaching Avi (💩💩💩).  Today I want to listen to Evie sing a song while she twirls around and tells me about her day at school.  Today I want to look at pictures of sweet Asa reading her books and just being as cute as she can be.  

Choosing to find happiness doesn’t mean I’m ignoring my grief.  I’m just looking for the positive and taking it one day at a time.

xoxo