Life in pictures

Soccer girl

Our girl finished up her Spring season of soccer on Saturday.  Evelyn has been on a team with the same girls for two years now and it’s been really cool to see them learn and grow as a team.  They started out in Kindergarten, not knowing much about soccer.  They ran around in a pack, there were no goalies and no one even kept score.  Fast forward to this season and we now have a team that knows their positions, how to dribble and pass and thrives on the competition of each game.  

Evelyn has proven herself to be more athletic than her mama. HA!  She is a very good defender and goalie, and she’s gaining more confidence as a forward as well.  She even scored her a goal during her last game!

Pat and I are very proud of her hard work this season!

Easter 2019

Easter this year was obviously different than in years past. We were grieving and missing our Mom/ Wife/ Kiki.  And yet, in the same breath, we were all ecstatic to welcome new life into our family.  Sweet Beckett came early, but his arrival was a balm to our aching hearts.  Of course it was bittersweet.  My mom should be here, snuggling with him and showering him with her love in person.  But it was not to be and, as Shannon put it, Kiki got to snuggle with Beckett for two weeks in heaven before we welcomed him earth side.  As for showering him with her love…I think that Kiki continues to do that from Heaven.

Walking into my parents house on the Friday before Easter as hard.  I didn’t expect the emotions that welled up inside.  I had been at the house since she’d passed away, but not since the funeral.  It was different this time.  It felt more real, more final.  Even the kids seemed to feel the difference.  They were quieter and more subdued…at least at first.  The house was filled the flowers and plants from the funeral and it just feel colder somehow.  I remember thinking the same thing the first time that I walked into the Klare’s house after Aunt Linda died.  My sweet dad tried hard to make it easier for the kids.  He got donuts on Saturday morning and pretty much played whatever games the kids asked.  He also watched the kids for me so that I could go the hospital and finally meet my newest nephew.  He is so sweet and is totally giving me baby fever!!

 Saturday evening was spent at the Haglage’s with my dad’s side of the family.  I was so happy to get to see and actually talk to everyone.  I had seen most of them at the funeral, but it was a such hectic day and so completely draining and I felt like I hadn’t really gotten the chance to connect or talk to anyone.  The kids had an Easter egg hunt inside and we all enjoyed a delicious dinner.  Added bonus… GG got to meet her two newest great-grandbabies via Facetime!! I think seeing Macy and Beckett certainly brightened the day!!

Easter morning was filled with Easter baskets and candy.  The kids woke me up EARLY because they were excited.  I told them that we couldn’t got downstairs until Pops woke up.  When I dozed back off, Mitch proceeded to sneak into my dad’s room and ‘gently’ wake him up.  The kids found their Easter baskets and opened their treats while their daddy watched on Facetime (he had to work on Saturday so he didn’t go with us to Kentucky).  Then we all got cleaned up and headed over to Uncle Denny and Aunt Laura’s for Easter brunch.  As usual the food was delicious and again, I was very happy to get to see and spend time with everyone.  Plus, there are a lot of kids on that side of the family and they are excellent distractors of all things so it took some of the sting out of how much we were missing Aunt Linda and my mom.  It was much nicer day outside on Sunday so the kids were able to have an outdoor egg hunt.  They all had fun and had major sugar buzzes after that.

After brunch, we went to the Reynold’s house where I FINALLY got to hold my new nephew.  I remember the first time that I held each of my nephews and my niece.  They were all at least few weeks old at the time so I was SO excited to finally meet them since I didn’t get to see them on their birthdays.  I remember holding Avi and Asa and just being filled with so much love and awe, and holding Beckett was no different.  He is so adorably tiny and precious!  Evelyn was definitely taken with him as well.  She was so excited to hold him and feed him his bottle.  Evie has always had a special bond with Asa and it looks like she may have one with baby boy too.  Mitch refused to hold Beckett, but he did promise to teach him about all things Lego and Pokémon.  It will to be fun to watch Beckett become part of the boy pack – Mitchell-Man, Avi-Man and Beck-Man (as Pops calls them).  Lookout world!

We left Shannon’s and headed back to Columbus to meet up with Pat and have dinner with Rita.  After a delicious dinner, wine and more chocolate for the kids, we finally headed home to pass out from sheer exhaustion.  Lol.

All it all, it was good day.  It had hard moments, but there was still sunshine.

Xoxo

Days go by

People have been telling me that the “firsts” will be the hardest.  The first holiday without her.  The first time something happens and you want to share it with her, but realize that you can’t.  The first time you forget and pick up the phone to call her, only to realize that she will never answer.  In a lot of ways, people are right.  These ‘firsts’ are hard.  For me, however, what is even more excruciating are the ‘seconds’, ‘thirds’, ‘fourths”.   It’s the reminder that this is forever and that she isn’t coming back.  It’s the endless days without her.

We’ve been talking about possibly taking a trip this summer.  Holly suggested a lake house in Michigan and my first thought was “Mom would love that!”  It makes me angry that we aren’t able to take that trip with her and I find myself not even wanting to go because she can’t be there with us in person.  I know that’s dumb.  I have to constantly remind myself that it is ok to live and be happy.  Being miserable won’t change what happened and she wouldn’t want that.  The lake house would be fun for everyone.  It would give us all a chance to unwind and relax.

I told my Dad on Easter Sunday that, although the day was hard and we missed her, we did ok.  We make it through and the day was filled with sunshine, laughter and happy times.  I told him that she didn’t fight for three years to sit around and be unhappy.  She fought for us, for friends, for family.  She fought for the simple, happy times and she did her best to give us those times even when she wasn’t feeling well.  On the Friday before she died, we all gathered around the kitchen table to play Chase the Ace.  It’s a simple card game and family favorite.  We thought she should rest, but she was insistent that she wanted to play so we did.  Me, my dad, Aunt Debbie, Shannon, Evie, Mitch and my mom.  We laughed so much and had a lot of fun.  I took a few pictures that night and while I was looking at them a few days ago, I came across a video that I didn’t mean to make.  My phone must have been face down on the table so it’s pitch black, but you can hear our voices.  I heard her voice and her laugh and the breath caught in my throat.  The sense of missing her was overwhelming.  But I was also filled with a sense of gratefulness that we had that moment and that time.  I played Chase the Ace with the kids for the first time since she died a week or so ago.  We were having fun, but I couldn’t seem to help the tears that came.  My sweet Evie got up from her chair and wrapped her arms around me and told me that she missed Kiki too.  We cried together for a second and then we heard a voice from across the table say “Umm HELLO!  We’re playing a game here!”  Leave it to Mitch to break up the moment. Evie and I cracked up and we finished our game. 

I think Dr. Seuss said it best when he said “Don’t cry because it’s over.  Smile because it happened”.

Xoxo

Random thoughts for today

I think we’ve been doing ok…mostly.  Life is busy.  We’ve got speech appointments, soccer practices and swim lessons.  School is still going full swing for three more weeks so we still have math homework and reading practice for Evelyn.  We’re working on getting the yard in shape (when it’s not pouring down rain) and we are trying to find a company or person to replace our fence.  There is work and laundry and cleaning – the usual stuff.  Pat is still working his booty off at Alqueria.  I’d say he averages at least 70 hours a week.  He and Jacob are still figuring out how to balance everything, but Pat did get two evenings off this week which was really nice.  He was able to see Mitchell’s swim lessons, spend some time with the kids and enjoy a family dinner.

We definitely keep busy and that helps.  It feels strange not to have this constant worry filling over my head.  I know that my mom is ok now.  I believe that wholeheartedly.  And if I forget, the kids are quick to remind me.  They say things like “It’s ok Mama.  Kiki’s is in Heaven with Aunt Linda.  She’s our angel”.  During a thunderstorm recently, Evelyn told me very matter-of-factly that the angels and Kiki were up in Heaven bowling and having fun.  I remember my mom telling me that when I was little and afraid during storms.  I can remember being little and knowing a storm was on it’s way.  The sky was dark, thunder rumbled and lightening lit the sky in bursts.  We sat, snuggled up with our mom, and she taught us how to time how long it would take the storm to get to us.  After we would see a flash of lightening, we would count the number of seconds until we heard thunder.  We would say “Bologna, Bologna, Salami, Salami”.  I have no idea why we said those words!  Lol.  For every 5 seconds / words, the storm is about one mile away (or something like that).  I’m sure we didn’t time it great, but it took our minds off of being scared.  When the thunder would rumble, she tell us the angels were bowling.  At the time, I think she told us that Grandpa Mitchell was up in heaven having a lot of fun.  Memories like that remind me that she will NEVER be forgotten.  The lessons she taught us and the love that she gave to us is still very much a part of us, and we are passing them on to our children.  

I miss her terribly each and every day.  It can be hard not to let the sadness get to me sometimes.  Some days, I just have to let the tears come.  But usually, when that happens, there will be a sign that she’s there will me.  I was taking a walk during my lunch break the other day and the loss of her just hit me so hard.  I take walks during my lunchbreaks most days and I used to call her to chat and see how she was feeling.  It hurts so much that I can’t do that anymore and as I walked along, tears blurred my vision.  I hadn’t gone very far when I felt a gust of wind and heard a wind chime tinkle in the distance.  I looked up and saw a cardinal perched on a tree branch, watching me.  I don’t know if it was her, but I took a breath and tried to let peace into my heart and remind myself that while I miss her, she’s with me always. 

xoxo