:( It hurts sometimes

I hate this.  I hate that I can't be there when my mom needs me me the most.  I hate that I have to get updates from my siblings and my dad, but I can't BE there.  I hate feeling useless.  I hate that I have to call my dad and tell him that I can't come tonight because the kids are tired and crazy and Pat's working and the kids need to sleep in their own beds.  It hurts.  This is my mom.  My MOM  The person who sacrificed so much for me and who had always put her family first.  I want to be there and it hurts that I'm not.  I hate that she's sick.  I hate that she's hurting.  And I hate that I feel like there is nothing I can do.  I HATE IT!  I wish I knew what to do.  How to be there for my mom and my kids and my husband all at the same time.  I'm trying to do what I think she would want  - to make her grand-kids as happy has possible.  But I can't help the pang that I feel... she's feeling awful while we are giggling.  She can barely eat while we have ice cream.  I hate it, but I don't know what else to do.  It's what my mom has taught me to do.  To be selfless and to give yourself (as much as you can) to your kids.  It's what she wants - to make her grand-babies had happy as possible.  I've never wished harder that I was closer to 'home'.