Saying goodbye to 4 years old...

In my mind, I had a post written apologizing for neglecting this blog for so long.  But tonight, something else is on my mind and in my heart.  Tonight, I'm thinking about My Girl.

4 years ago, I was anticipating meeting my daughter for the first time.  I wondered who she would look like.  I wondered what being a mother would be like.  I was scared, anxious, excited, nervous and so completely happy.  I had no idea what to expect, but I could not wait to meet my baby girl.

Tonight I kissed my sweet girl goodnight for the last time as a 4 year old.  As I kissed her lips and brushed the hair from her eyes, I told her that and her eyes filled with tears.  She said "Mama - I don't want to get bigger.  I always want to be your baby".  And I told her, as I have so many times before, "You will always be my baby.  No matter what.".  Evie looked at me, with those big beautiful eyes and said "Mama...what happens if you die?  Will I still be your baby?"  I'm not going to lie - it was a punch in the gut.  Even now, it hurts to think about it and type the words.  But it has been a very, very rough year for our family and it's been impossible to shield her completely from the pain and the heartache that we've experienced.  So I told her and Mitch the truth.  I told them 'No matter how old you are - even if you are 105 years old and you can't see me anymore - you will always, ALWAYS be my babies.  I love you more than the whole wide world and back again".

Tomorrow, at 3:25 PM my baby girl will be 5 years old.  I am simultaneously euphoric and heartbroken over this.  Euphoric because we've made it 5 years and I think Pat and I have raised (with a tremendous amount of help) a pretty kick-ass kid.  Heartbroken because - hello - how in the world is she already 5?!  I've always been extremely sentimental, but being a parent has put me over the edge.  I'm pretty sure Pat thinks I'm crazy (but if I am so is he because he's just as bad!).

Sleep well my sweet Evelyn.  Tomorrow you will be 5 and a whole new adventure will await you.  I hope and pray that life is kind to you and that this year brings you so many blessings.  Your daddy and I have no idea what we are doing, but I promise you that we are doing our best.   We love you so much and we are so happy and proud that you are ours.