Days go by

People have been telling me that the “firsts” will be the hardest.  The first holiday without her.  The first time something happens and you want to share it with her, but realize that you can’t.  The first time you forget and pick up the phone to call her, only to realize that she will never answer.  In a lot of ways, people are right.  These ‘firsts’ are hard.  For me, however, what is even more excruciating are the ‘seconds’, ‘thirds’, ‘fourths”.   It’s the reminder that this is forever and that she isn’t coming back.  It’s the endless days without her.

We’ve been talking about possibly taking a trip this summer.  Holly suggested a lake house in Michigan and my first thought was “Mom would love that!”  It makes me angry that we aren’t able to take that trip with her and I find myself not even wanting to go because she can’t be there with us in person.  I know that’s dumb.  I have to constantly remind myself that it is ok to live and be happy.  Being miserable won’t change what happened and she wouldn’t want that.  The lake house would be fun for everyone.  It would give us all a chance to unwind and relax.

I told my Dad on Easter Sunday that, although the day was hard and we missed her, we did ok.  We make it through and the day was filled with sunshine, laughter and happy times.  I told him that she didn’t fight for three years to sit around and be unhappy.  She fought for us, for friends, for family.  She fought for the simple, happy times and she did her best to give us those times even when she wasn’t feeling well.  On the Friday before she died, we all gathered around the kitchen table to play Chase the Ace.  It’s a simple card game and family favorite.  We thought she should rest, but she was insistent that she wanted to play so we did.  Me, my dad, Aunt Debbie, Shannon, Evie, Mitch and my mom.  We laughed so much and had a lot of fun.  I took a few pictures that night and while I was looking at them a few days ago, I came across a video that I didn’t mean to make.  My phone must have been face down on the table so it’s pitch black, but you can hear our voices.  I heard her voice and her laugh and the breath caught in my throat.  The sense of missing her was overwhelming.  But I was also filled with a sense of gratefulness that we had that moment and that time.  I played Chase the Ace with the kids for the first time since she died a week or so ago.  We were having fun, but I couldn’t seem to help the tears that came.  My sweet Evie got up from her chair and wrapped her arms around me and told me that she missed Kiki too.  We cried together for a second and then we heard a voice from across the table say “Umm HELLO!  We’re playing a game here!”  Leave it to Mitch to break up the moment. Evie and I cracked up and we finished our game. 

I think Dr. Seuss said it best when he said “Don’t cry because it’s over.  Smile because it happened”.

Xoxo