I wish I knew

I wish I knew how I should be feeling.  I wish I knew what I am feeling.  But I don’t.  I can’t describe it and I don’t have the words.  I’m doing the best I can do (most days anyway) to be a good mom and a good wife.  I try.  But I think it’s not enough.  I have the sense that I’m lacking in some way.  I feel so empty sometimes, like I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing or what my next step should be.  I go through the motions.  Wake up, get dressed, go to work, come home, feed the kids, go to whatever practice or appointment, put the kids to bed, have some wine, go to bed, wake up and do it all over again.  Is this what life is supposed to be?  

‘Some goodbyes start something in you, 

The kind of thing you are not meant to explain,

The kind of thing you just know you have to solve on your own’

r.m. drake

In the immediate aftermath of my moms death, I was in survival mode.  You don't really think much in that mode to be honest.  All I knew was that it hurt, but I had to be there for my kids.  As time has gone on, the thoughts that I kept at bay have come roaring back.  I find myself wondering about life and our finite time on this earth.  Nothing lasts forever and we need to make our time here matter.  We need to make it worth something.  I find myself questioning my life and my decisions.  Without a doubt, I know that my family is the most important thing to me.  My husband and children, my dad, my siblings, my in-laws, my very best friends.  They matter and make life mean something.  But beyond that... I’m not sure.  I find myself questioning what’s important and what I want. I can’t even explain what I mean exactly.  It’s just this persist perception that I have that I need to do more, to be more more.

Sorry for the rambling.  I’ll leave you with a picture...,

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